This () I'm living
by Kelly L Reid
Summary: One shot the occurs before Academy during the short time span Kelly spent at Hogwarts


One shot that takes place before Academy during the one year Kelly spent at Hogwarts. Takes place during Goblet of Fire, before all the Triwizard stuff. Kelly is 16 (it has been 6 months since she was raped and nearly killed) and should be a 5th year but since American schools are behind Hogwarts she is placed in 4th year with Harry and his classmates instead. Very dark, trigger warning: flash backs of rape and self-harm involved in this.

**Dedicated to my sweet girl Nadine who didn't even get a chance in life. Love you baby girl even though we never got to meet. Rest in peace

This Hell I'm Living

Kelly never ate in the Great Hall if she could avoid it. As she dutifully went about her days at school, the insults and jeering followed her-mostly from classmates of her own house. She suspected it had something to do with them finding out who her father is, despite sharing her mother's maiden name McIntire; a very old, pure blood line of American witches and wizards. The bruises had long faded and her injuries were now becoming horrible scars that would forever serve as a reminder to the horror she had lived through. But that didn't stop the harsh words she was subjected to on a daily basis.

"Hey McIntire! Maybe if you weren't such a tease, he wouldn't have done those things to you!" Shrieked the approaching girl, who seemed to get the most pleasure out of being vicious to her. Pansy Parkinson. Gritting her teeth and fighting back tears, she ducked out of the corridor. She would be skipping Transfiguation today, she decided on the spot. Kelly found her way outdoors sinking to her knees on a private, well hidden part of the grounds allowing the tears and sobs to flow, thinking back to just a month ago...

"Sirius, I really don't think this a good idea," Elena McIntire cast a worried look at her daughter sitting in the Head Master's office. The girl gave no indication that she was listening to the conversation.

"Don't fuss Elena, she'll be fine. We practically grew up at Hogwarts, I think this may be what she needs," Sirius whispered, not sounding thoroughly convinced. Both her parents felt they had run out of options and were hoping for a miracle. An older man with kind, twinkling eyes behind spectacles quietly listened while he regarded the young girl in front of his desk.

"Miss McIntire, would you like to attend my school?" The man spoke at last. Her parents stopped their whispered argument to hear her answer. Kelly shrugged noncommittally. She really didn't give a damn what happened to her now, but if it would make her mother happy...

"Term has already started but I think a private sorting here in my office will suffice. Your transcripts are exceptional, however since Hogwarts and your past school are a little different I think it would be best if you were placed in Fourth year instead of Fifth." Dumbledore continued.

"Okay," was the girl's only response and the first word she had spoken. Dumbledore stood and retrieved a ratty old hat from a high shelf behind his desk and turned to face the trio.

"All right my dear, let's find out which house you belong in." Kelly looked at the hat, showing her first sign of interest. Sirius stiffened with anticipation and Elena rolled her eyes at his behavior. Being an American and not growing up hearing the history of the school, Elena couldn't understand what the big deal was with what house people were chosen for. Dumbledore approached the girl slowly and handed her the old hat. Kelly assumed she was to put it on and did so. There was a brief pause and silence before the sorting hat shouted,

"SLYTHERIN!" Sirius groaned and placed his hand over his face. Elena smirked. "Like mother, like daughter," she thought with a smile and a pointed look at her ex. It was his turn to return the eye roll.

The tears finally came to an end, though she had no idea how long they had fallen. Time didn't hold any interest for her. Deciding to skip the rest of her classes as well, she made her way inside the castle and to the dungeons, where the Slytherin common room was located.

"Serpents," she muttered to a stone wall. A door appeared in the stone and slid open and she numbly went to the girls' dormitories which was blissfully empty. Sitting on her bed, she pulled the silver and green curtains around the canopy to block her from view of anyone who might come back from dinner early. Kelly never slept in her bed either. Not anymore. She would wait for the other girls to fall asleep (while trying to block out the awful words about her they didn't bother to whisper) and then sneak into the common room and sleep on one of the chairs by the fire. Out there, the screams from her nightmares were less audible to Slytherin House as a whole. Taking advantage of the empty room, she pulled out a small, silver knife from her bag that she kept and pulled up the hem of her green skirt. Two shallow cuts about two inches across were located on the inside of her thigh, slightly above her knee. Still scabbed over, they obviously weren't caused by the man who had torn her world apart. She studied them for a few minutes before adding a third above the other two. Kelly didn't even flinch and curiously watched the blood seep out of the new wound, slightly deeper than the others. Satisfied, she laid back on the bed, falling asleep.

The next day, Kelly paid dearly for sleeping in the dormitory.

"Oh PLEASE stop, let me go! No don't!" Mocked Pansy at every chance she got. She spent the morning in silent tears but didn't dare skip her next class. Her Head of House, Professor Snape, would not be pleased. Even if he was more lenient with members of his own house, she didn't dare cross him. She hurried to be the first to wait outside his classroom, but quickly realized her mistake-Pansy and other Slytherin girls showed up a few minutes later. Kelly spent the next five minutes leaning against the wall, staring at the ground, and trying to ignore the merciless bullying. The male members of her house stood a short distance away but made no move to stop the girls.

"Well hopefully you've learned not to be such a prude the next time McIntire," Pansy giggled. "If you'd just given it up in the first place..."

"Oi! Lay off her!" Shouted a vaguely familiar voice. Kelly looked up in mild interest and noticed the red hair first. Ronald Weasley, from Gryffindor, had been her unlikely savior. She nodded her gratitude towards him, but he was too busy glaring down at Parkinson. Her gaze met Harry Potter's eyes instead, who frowned slightly as he looked at her properly for the first time. She looked an awful lot like a female version of Sirius. He shook his head, deciding he was seeing things, and turned to join Ron and Hermione Granger in glaring at Pansy.

"What Weasley, would you like a go with her then?" Pansy turned to the three Gryffindors.

"You VILE cow," Ron snarled, momentarily forgetting he shouldn't hit a girl. Harry grabbed onto the back of his robes.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for shouting in the corridors Mr. Weasley," came a new soft, but dangerous voice. "Step away from Miss Parkinson as well. An additional ten points from Gryffindor. Tutt tutt, I thought members of Gryffindor house were supposed to be chivalrous. Everyone find your seats. Now." His students scattered inside the classroom, the Slytherin girls throwing snide looks at Kelly as they passed her. Snape took in the dried tears on her face and his expression softened as he silently motioned her inside before him. He had taken a liking to the girl: After all she couldn't help being related to Black. She was more like her mother in personality anyway. Kelly sat at the back table by herself as usual. However, today she just couldn't bring herself together and laid her head down on her arms on the surface, hiding her face. Snape pretended not to notice and began the day's lesson but she wasn't able to take in a word he said. As she started the potion they were to be making, Hermione cast an anxious glance at the girl she had somehow not taken any notice of until today, hoping she was all right. She wondered why the other Slytherin girls were so vile to her and voiced this question to Ron and Harry in a whisper as to not attract Professor Snape's attention.

"I dunno," Ron hesitated. "I've heard some rumors but I don't know if they're true or not."

"Is it just me or does she look like she could be Sirius's daughter or something?" Harry asked.

"Blimey, could be. I didn't even think of that until you mentioned it," Ron looked thoughtful but didn't want to turn to look at Kelly and cast more attention on her.

"But Harry," Hermione bit her lip "Don't you think Sirius would have said if he had any children?"

"Ahem. Potter, Weasley, Granger. Stop your chattering and focus on the assignment instead of your gossip or I will have to take more points from Gryffindor." Snape made his way up and down the tables where they worked and stopped at Pansy's table. "Miss Parkinson, you stupid girl. If you could read properly you would know that you needed to simmer, not boil, those ingredients." Pansy looked shocked and hurt at his rebuff and Hermione, Ron and Harry exchanged significant looks. They had never witnessed Snape being harsh to any of his precious students. Severus moved on, pausing to compliment his other students and sneer at Gryffindor students until he got to where Kelly was sitting. "Miss McIntire," he called quietly. She raised her head, quickly wiping away the fresh tears that had appeared there before he could see.

"Yes sir?" She asked politely, wishing her voice wasn't so throaty as she spoke.

"I see from your transcripts you have already, quite successfully I might add, brewed this potion at your last school. I wonder if you could do an errand for me instead?" He raised an eyebrow meaningfully as he held out a folded and sealed piece of parchment.

"Of course sir," she added quietly so no one but him could hear "Thank you sir." He nodded his dismissal and turned his attention back to the rest of his class as she gathered her things and left the classroom. Shutting the door behind her, she leaned against it to take a look at the parchment he had handed her. It was addressed to her and she opened it to find in his neat scrawl:

Miss McIntire,

Please accept my invitation to dinner in my office this evening where you may make up today's lesson.

-Professor Snape

Silently thanking him for her escape, she made her way down the corridor.

"Ouch," Kelly muttered as she made her way to Snape's office that evening with a slight limp. She hadn't meant to make the cut as deep as she did, but there was nothing to be done about it now-she refused to use magic to mend it. The blood had seeped through and was visible on her green skirt but it was too late to change clothes. Tentatively, she knocked on the door to Snape's office.

"Enter," Kelly did as requested. "Ah, Miss McIntire. Have a seat and get started on page 157 please." She opened her book, gathered the supplies she would need and got to work. It was much easier to concentrate without the other girls there. A quarter of an hour passed in silence with Kelly working on her missed assignment and Professor Snape grading papers. Finally he broke the silence. "Forgive me, but I couldn't help but notice that you seem to be having a hard time adjusting to Hogwarts, Miss McIntire." She shrugged.

"Nothing I can't manage," she said trying to sound indifferent- the bullying was nothing compared with what she had been through. But she had been thinking things over while she added the latest cut earlier that afternoon and had decided that the weepy, weak girl of the past month had to go. She had resolved to fight back instead of taking the verbal abuse. Snape looked unsure of his next words.

"May I ask why you cause injuries to yourself? I do hope Miss Parkinson and her gang aren't the cause for it." She froze in the process of adding wormwood to her potion. Damn he had noticed the blood.

"It's the only thing I have control over in my life," was her soft reply. "I don't belong here. At Hogwarts and especially not in Slytherin. I don't have any qualities to have been placed in this house, except for my pureblood status, but who gives a damn about that?" Snape raised an eyebrow.

"I beg to differ. I've read your transcripts. You finished school a full three years early in the US. Your teachers described you as ambitious and intelligent."

"That's not me anymore," she replied sadly, returning to her work. "I feel like a hallow shell now. Nothing," hesitating she went on, "I wish he had just killed me. Then I wouldn't have to live this hell." Busying herself in her work after making the confession that had been there for a while but never said aloud, she missed his sympathetic expression. Kelly finished her work in silence and nothing else was said between them. After he deemed her work acceptable, she asked to go and received a nod in response. He watched her go with an odd expression and softly whispered before she shut the door.

"Don't give up Miss McIntire."

Glaring menacingly instead of crying about the derogatory comments from her fellow Slytherin girls was working out much better for Kelly. Over the next week, the out loud insults had changed to hushed whispers. This suited her just fine.

"Partner up and find your assignment on page 180." Potions class again.

"Right. Sorry Neville," Hermione apologized as he tried to catch her eye in hopes of working with her, "I'm going to partner McIntire today, if she'll have me." Hermione cast a glance to the back table.

"What? Are you mad? Partnering with a Slytherin?" Ron asked her incredulously.

"I seem to remember you standing up for a Slytherin just last week," she replied with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, but, but that was different. No one deserves to be treated like that, he stammered with a slight blush. She smiled approvingly and gathered her bag and walked to the back table.

"Er, hi. I'm Hermione Granger," she introduced herself, reaching out her hand. The older girl appraised her, a little surprised, but did not return the would-be handshake.

"Kelly McIntire," she replied, suspicious of the Gyrffindor girl's intentions. Hermione was not discouraged.

"I was wondering whether you'd like to partner with me today?" Kelly shrugged, still not sure if the other girl was playing her or not.

"I suppose." Hermione took the empty chair next to her.

"It's just that, I noticed you always worked alone and thought maybe you'd like a little friendly company." Kelly raised an eyebrow.

"Aren't Slytherins and Gryffindors supposed to hate each other on principal?" She asked with an amused grin. "I've only been here a little over a month but that seems to be what I've gathered." Hermione shrugged.

"You're from America right?" Kelly nodded. "Oh, it must be fascinating studying abroad! How are you finding it?" The older girl stared for a moment. She couldn't quite figure her out.

"I'd rather be home. This was my father's idea but I'm trying to make the best of the situation." Hermione hesitated for a moment.

"Are the rumors true? You're Sirius Black's daughter?" Kelly sighed.

"Yes." She waited for her to freak out but was disappointed. Hermione just frowned thoughtfully.

"We should probably get started," Hermione finally said with an anxious look towards Professor Snape's desk, surprised he hadn't said anything about their chatter. He seemed to be ignoring the girls.

"Right."

Hermione chatted while they worked and despite herself, Kelly eventually joined in. She was smiling as she waved goodbye to her at the end of class, Ron and Harry looking incredulous at the two of them getting along. Maybe, just maybe, she had found a friend here at last.

"That was completely unfair and you know it!" Kelly shouted as she entered Snape's office later that evening. Severus looked bemused to be accosted by one of his own students. "Giving Potter and Weasley detention for doing the exact same thing Malfoy did!"

"Miss McIntire, I know you have not been here that long, but Potter and Weasley have long believed themselves to be above the rules of this school. Potter becoming the fourth champion in the Triwizard tournament should have told you that much."

A month had passed in which students from two other schools had come to Hogwarts to compete in the Triwizard tournament and Harry had become the first ever fourth student to compete in it.

"And in four years, you have never noticed that Malfoy is a foul, evil boy? I've heard his conversations in the common room, you know!"

"Mr. Malfoy was unfairly attacked."

"He started it first! And the Gryffindor boys were only protecting Hermione and themselves!"

"Granger also believes herself to be above the rules."

"I don't like how the other students in my house treat people that have a different heritage than them! It makes me sick!" They glared openly at each other for a moment, tiny Kelly holding her ground. Finally Snape spoke in a cold voice.

"If this is the only matter you've come to see me about, please be on your way Miss McIntire." Temporarily mollified, Kelly answered.

"Actually sir, I originally came to tell you that I will not be returning to Hogwarts after the winter holidays. I thought you should hear it from me first." Snape showed no indication that he was surprised.

"Giving up?" He asked.

"No, actually. I've decided on a career path for myself. Something that has me helping others instead of having to witness the prejudice at this school," was her bold answer. Severus raised an eyebrow.

"And that would be?"

"Before I was forced to come to Hogwarts, I was accepted into Rochester Institute of Technology in New York. I plan on taking my place there and getting a degree in psychology and when I'm old enough, applying to the FBI. And I've also decided that nothing is going to stand in my way and if I have to work my ass off to get there, so be it!" She looked slightly embarrassed at her outburst, but held her head high. "So yeah ," she finished lamely. With a nod, she turned on her heel and strode out of his office. When she was gone, he chuckled.

"You're more Slytherin than you give yourself credit for Miss McIntire," he said to the empty room.


End file.
